Yes, folks, it’s Captain Egregious, ready to step confidently into the future because I already know it. Here are my Fearless Forecasts for 2015. They are free, but worth ten times as much.
Democrats Will Thank the Wall Street Journal. No, Rupert Murdoch won’t change his politics. And the Journals’ editorial page won’t be taken over by rabid lefties. The Journal will continue to boldly advocate the return of indentured servitude and poorhouses. The thanks will come as Journal subscribers migrate to the New York Times. The cause? Mass frustration over the lousy app the Journal has for its electronic edition. The NYT app is great. Minds will be changed, elections will be lost.
A New Political Party, the Green Frackers, Will Rise. Considered an odd mix of right and left, their influence will rise as left-leaning anti-war groups see that low oil prices are good for the US economy— but inhibiting for middle eastern terrorists and messianic bare-chested Russians.
“Cheap oil is better than Whirled Peas,” the movements’ leader will announce. Stickers will appear on trucks working the Eagle Ford shale in Texas: “I Frack for Peace.”
Revealed at Last: Netflix Averted A Million-Viewer March on Washington. It would have happened, it will be revealed, but for Netflix’s decision to produce season 4 of Longmire after the show was dropped by A&E because its viewers were too old.
A source will tell of early plans to march after a candlelight vigil at the home of Dallas actress Luanne Stephens. Ms. Stephens plays Ruby, the office secretary, in the series so loved by older viewers.
The brilliant minds that craft television content have yet to figure out that older viewers have money to spend, even after they have bought their denture adhesives, emergency alerts, and no-medical-exam life insurance policies.
A Consortium of Upscale Magazines Will Seek Modest Consumer Spending. Having received perfect working miniatures of guillotines from a hyper-secret group known as “The New York 99,” luxury magazine editors will hold a press conference.
“We’ve just about lost our heads on this,” the top editors at Vogue, Bazaar, Town and Country, The Robb Report, Forbes Life and other ultra-luxury magazines will announce.
“We think it’s time for the big dogs to dial it down a notch or three. So we’re going to show that rich people can be smart and judicious with their money. Maybe the Pentagon can spend $600 for a toilet seat, but rich people aren’t that stupid.”
The shift will be unsuccessful, as indicated by plunging circulation of high-end magazines and rising sales of diamond-crusted toilet seats. The magazine editors will admit defeat after the quick sell-out of Ralph Lauren’s stylish $900,000 mini-house, dubbed “The Walden.”
Tax Reform Will Be a Popular Topic. It always is. There will be much discussion. But nothing will happen. The current system works close to perfection for the people who count, the 100 members of the Senate and 435 members of Congress. Without our current tax system, their sources of campaign income would be tragically limited. Too bad about the other 315 million of us.
Home prices and Rents Will Continue To Rise. No one will understand why this form of inflation doesn’t show up more strongly in the Consumer Price Index since shelter costs loom large for most Americans.
“It’s all in the wrist,” the Secretary of Labor will joke.
Detroit Will Express Concern About Teenage Non-Driving. Auto execs, noting an increasing percentage of teenagers failing to get their driver’s license, will start a national campaign.
“Drop the remote. Get behind the wheel.” will blast on network television stations week after week. They will hope to convince kids that cars are more fun than video games. Not to mention more social than group play on “World of Warcraft” or “Grand Theft Auto.”
The Pew Research Center will counter-attack. “Thank You For Saving Our Daughters, ‘Grand Theft Auto’” a Pew study will argue. The Center will demonstrate that games like “Grand Theft Auto” are major factors in the 24-year decline in teen pregnancy. The rate has declined 57 percent since 1991.
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Finally, here’s your guiding principle for the coming year. It is what it is… but it won’t be what you thought it was.
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(c) A. M. Universal, 2014