In case you hadn’t noticed, the handbasket of humanity is moving toward an uncomfortable place. That’s why I am suspending my annual Fearless Forecasts column. It’s hard to be fearless when you’re fearful.
If you are a new reader and your life has yet to be transformed by the staggeringly accurate predictions of my fearless days, don’t worry. There’s still time. You can read the old ones here.
Today I see a serious need for the Supreme Grand Poobah. He can restore reason and order to the world. That would be me, as offered four years ago.
If only my offer had been taken seriously!
Why didn’t I volunteer to be president of the United States instead?
In the Good Old Days, whenever they were, I had good reason to consider myself ineligible to lead the free world. Journalists are viewed by many as lower than a used car salesman. Not a good start for the likes of me.
Another was the fact that I have held an elective office only once in my life. That was about 50 years ago. I absolutely swept the position of library trustee in a town with an excellent library. No one would call that a running start.
Today, these liabilities count for nothing. Why?
They have been pushed aside by a crowd of utterly worthless candidates for public office. They crowd out anything resembling a Voice of Sanity. Today the position of President is hamstrung. You just can’t do what you want to do.
So, it’s time for the Supreme Grand Poobah or nothin’.
Here’s my agenda to save our future. And don’t worry, you don’t need to vote. The Supreme Grand Poobah is beyond such things.
—Edict #1. Our political monkeys, otherwise known as the Congress of the United States, will not be allowed to talk about Social Security and Medicare in the same sentence. This is not arbitrary. Social Security is a program that has always had its own funding from a special tax known as the employment tax. Its future financing is a problem, but it is a solvable problem.
Medicare is different because much of its funding comes from general revenues and premiums, not special taxes. Also, the unfunded liabilities of Medicare truly dwarf the unfunded liabilities of Social Security. Linking the two programs because they are “entitlements” is misleading.
Under Poobah Law, any representative or senator who links the two programs will be arrested and taken to the nearest hospital where colonoscopies will be administered until the difference is understood. Coverage for the procedure will be dropped from the health insurance policy available to members of Congress.
— Edict #2. Citizens are allowed to have as many opinions as they like. But they are allowed to express no more than one a day. The purpose of this edict is to increase the value of opinions by decreasing the supply. With the rise of social media, the opinion supply has risen faster than the money supply in Argentina. The only exception to this rule would be discussion of professional sports, where unsubstantiated opinions are a given.
— Edict #3. The Consumer Charge-Back Provision will allow normal people to bill software and equipment companies, as well as any enterprise seeking a password account for the value of time lost keeping their account, laptop, phone or service up to date. They will be allowed to bill at computer consultant rates. All bills will be paid within 30 days. This should improve the quality of the software development that now stands between ordinary people and doing anything whatsoever.
— Edict #4. The Get-a-Life Law will require that no elected official may hold public office, of any kind, for more than a total of 10 years. When they reach their term limit, they will be offered rehabilitation in any useful trade other than government. Special stipends will be awarded for those who chose plumbing, recycling or waste management.
Beyond that, as Supreme Grand Poobah I will exercise my right to impose my personal preferences, however eccentric and weird they may be. This includes the right to provide compulsory detox language training for anyone addicted to using the word “like,” anyone who chews gum, and detaining people for distasteful clothing habits on airline flights.
Finally, all long-term readers are invited to submit their personal preference edicts. Consider yourselves ground-floor members of the Supreme Grand Poobah’s Ultimate Cabal.
Related columns:
Scott Burns, “What I’d Do to Save America,” 11/23/2023
Scott Burns, “Can We Fix Social Security,? 11/05/2023: https://scottburns.com/can-we-fix-social-security/
This information is distributed for education purposes, and it is not to be construed as an offer, solicitation, recommendation, or endorsement of any particular security, product, or service.
Photo: Jonathan Peterson @ Pexels.com
(c) Scott Burns, 2023
1 thought on “The Supreme Grand Poobah Returns”
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Please add “detox language training” for adults who use objective case pronouns as the subject of a sentence. Following are two examples which I recently heard – spoken by middle-aged radio talk show hosts, no less: “Me and him went ………” or “Her and her friends never……” .